Twenty-five years ago, as a parent educator, I began reading about the dangers of praise. I was completely shocked by what I was learning: praise is not good for our kids. How could that be? So I spent years talking with experts, reading about the effects of praise, and finally decided to close the door on praise and focus on building an encouraging family.
Even today, with many studies available to parents, I still hear people say, "How can that be? How can saying 'Good job' or 'You're smart' be bad?" I understand. It can be a difficult habit to break.
If we tell a boy "You are so smart!" when he brings home an A in his math test, how does he feel when he comes home with a D? If we've told him that he is smart, then he will more likely feel a failure when he struggles with homework — "I'm supposed to be smart. Why can't I do this?"
Praise trains children to depend on constant feedback on what a "great job" they are doing. This dependency shatters rather than builds children's confidence. Praise trains children to ask, "Do you like it?" "Did I do a good job?" "Are you proud of me?" They begin to believe that what others think is more important than what they think about their achievements and mistakes.
Praise breaks the relationship between parents and children. Without even realizing it, parents may be using praise as a tool to direct the child's behavior. The message is clear — I approve of you when you … and I do not approve of you when you … Living with this kind of constant judgment can damage not only the child's confidence but also the relationship.
The solution to the problem of praise is encouragement. Encouragement can be given at any time, to anyone, in any situation. It is a comment, an acknowledgment, a statement that focuses on effort, improvement or choice. Hearing "You are so smart!" can leave a child at a loss when they don't do well in a test. Using "That took a lot of work to come home with an A in your test …" gives a child the chance to be something else.
