Like a lot of health-care professionals, Dr. Brian Goldman finds it extremely difficult to draw boundaries between his work and personal lives. "There's this view that you should suck it up and do one more thing," says the ER physician and host of CBC's White Coat, Black Art. But that "one more thing" often comes at Goldman's expense.
"You're exhausted and a patient or their family look at you with begging eyes," he says. "So you have this dilemma: say that your shift is over or give until you're totally spent?" Goldman's work stress combined with family tension after his mother was diagnosed with dementia 20 years ago. Caring for her over a decade was difficult, as was dealing with his father's grief. "When someone else is drowning you, you have to grab a life preserver and save yourself," says Goldman.
Setting boundaries isn't just important for busy professionals; everyone can benefit from managing situations that cause undue stress or pain. Here are some tips.
First, "If someone's behavior makes you unhappy — and it could be anything from the way they speak to you to repeatedly failing to stick to their promise — then there's room to set limits," says Patrick Keelan, a Calgary psychologist. We often avoid setting limits because we prioritize the happiness and comfort of others over ours. In order to control this impulse, Goldman suggests framing the development of boundaries as a form of self-kindness. When facing an overwhelming situation like the one he was in with his father, Goldman suggests reflecting on what is making you feel uncomfortable, unhappy or unappreciated. "You can't relate to others or be kind to others if you aren't kind to yourself," he says.
Second, once you've become aware of your needs, setting and maintaining boundaries requires clear verbal communication. There are three obstacles to enforcing boundaries in a relationship: fear, guilt and self-doubt, says psychologist Nicole MaCance. We often fear that if we set limits, the other person will reject us, or we feel bad claiming our needs. Keelan proposes setting ground rules before relationships become tense. Start by cooperatively listing values — like mutual respect, support, and loyalty — and then building the guidelines from these values. If you're struggling to reach a consensus, Keelan recommends engaging a third party, such as a therapist, to help.
Now, if you want a boundary to stick to, you can't enable someone in breaking it. As such, it's crucial to establish consequences for transgressions (越轨). Otherwise, McMance says," you're giving them permission to violate that boundary." If they won't respect your boundaries, you have to do some soul- searching about the value of the relationship. "When you feel bad more than you feel good in this person's presence, and when the relationship is impacting your self-worth and happiness, it's time to reassess," says McCance. Saying no is hard, but she suggests framing it as saying yes to healthier relationships. "We're all better mothers and partners and brothers when we have boundaries."
